40 Days & 40 Ways To Fabulous: Day #16 - Fears And Designer Shoes For $5.99

Identifying My Fears

I spent some of my day dotting the I's and crossing the T's on my upcoming projects. This weekend will mark a major personal and professional milestone in my life and I am approaching it with much anxiety. I've worked with confidence on projects for others but somehow when I am facing my own "baby" in its face, I am freaking out! When I was younger I used to tell people that if I "fail or succeed, it is on me." Meaning, my accountability was to myself and I will take the blame or glory. That seemed like a profound and courageous thing to say and way to be but in retrospect, that was dumb as hell. I was not allowing myself to accept any one's help if I needed it and I was not open to the love and fanfare that comes with success if achieved. I carried my burdens unnecessarily or would celebrate myself and from where I stand now, that was an unhealthy way of being. It was the makings of an introvert that only allowed people in just enough to give the illusion of trust and being inviting...it was a faulty self-defense mechanism that to this day, can rear its ugly head. Smash cut to present day...I am getting this familiar sinking feeling of both fear of failure and success...

Therapy And Such

I cannot help my way of being at times even when I am well educated on how I should be. The years of conditioning versus the short period time of making changes is imbalanced but as I have stated before, it may be challenging but not impossible. At times I find myself dialing back and inward where I am able to identify these unhealthy ways so that I can continuously chip away at them. Take for instance this evening. I was getting so overwhelmed over my projects, I decided to put it to the side and take a break to solidify my birthday plans. That was me trying the healthy approach of relaxing and being in the moment. Oh why did I think going over my birthday plans was the solution?! So far I've made 3 back-up plans for my birthday and was excited about the possibilities UNTIL I stumbled over an article online about "celebrating birthday milestones", I instantly became emotional. I don't know if they were happy tears or sad tears. I just know that my brain is now racing and I originally was going to blog about my fabulous designer Stuart Weitzman shoes I recently purchased for $5.99 that retails for $225. But noooooooo...I am blogging my feelings which is good because this 40 Days &40 Ways is a candid journey filled with what I am and who I am. So yeah...I am seriously thinking this is a prelude to what is yet to come but with hot flashes; dips in hormones, anxieties over the small things, deep retrospective thinking over the past, bursts of creativity, low ebbs of productivity and so on. Okay, I'm done.

Might As Well

Call it hormones but I miraculously feel better now that got that out and shared. And since I mentioned my Stuart Weitzman shoes, I might as well share those too! Okay, so this is the deal. Last weekend I went to my local Goodwill and as I mentioned in another blog, I go straight to the shoe rack. Mama scored! I got 1 pair of Stuart Weitzman for $5.99 and 2 pairs of Steve Maddens, $7.99 & $5.99. The funny thing is that I am a regular at that particular store and if a certain worker is there, she helps me by bringing me shoes that I may have overlooked. She is so sweet! She goes "what do you think about these? And these? How about these?" She picked out the S.W.'s for me! I love them! They are cute and stylish. I wore them and got more compliments than I thought I would especially since they are sensible flats. One person said "those are some really cute shoes! Who are they from? Are they expensive?" Honey, you couldn't tell me NOTHING!! I said "they are Stuart Weitzman's." She said "ooooooh." Heeeeeeyyyyyy...I felt rich for a day! Whoop, whoop! Little does she know...Goodwill.